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It's Heaven's Gate time
Pull on your purple blankets and lace up your black Nikes, !!! Wizz commit mass news just before playoffs and Fiesta Asia begin!! (note multicultural mixing of Spanish word "fiesta" and Asian word "asia"; english translation? "GOOD TIMES")
During a recent Town Hall meeting at Verizon Center titled "Last Chance to Exit Planet Wizz Before It's Recycled," Abe Pollin (shown above) has somehow convinced everybody but Gilbert Arenas that the only way to transcend being a .500 club is to "exit their human vehicles" and turn over team to four new 10-day contract players named Hale Bopp. They will form an all-Alien-backcourt with GIlbert who will still take all the shots because the Hale Bopps will be too busy chanting about "Moomintrolls in de autobus".
But soon Gilbert will find out that Abe has hired a suicide squad not ballers and he will take it as a snub, and he will kill them all because he's The Assassin, aka Agent Zero. Gilbert's method of assassination? A special beverage called "The Mortal Shroud," a phenobarbital-laced applesauce and vodka concoction that just so happens to be the Wizznutzz fave drink just after the "Meaty Sambuca."
If the Wizards don't make the playoffs they should send Eddie Jordan to the Mothering Hut we sent them because this collapse is on him and his drawn-in hair. He's had this squad for three years and despite team being 3rd in scoring the Princeton offense is still in Princeton and the defense is over in Iraq protecting America from three-point bombs!!!!!
But what happened to the frontlines of D in arenas all around U.S.? Brendan Haywood plays defense like he's read too many Siegfried Sassoon poems about the horror of trench warefare. Here's one Sassoon poem, "Attack," that Kwame and Brendan rewrote last year just before Wiz vs. Bulls playoffs
First, don't you guys know that war metaphors in sports is in COMPLETELY BAD TASTE since this country is currently at war with the WHOLE UNIVERSE? Second, what kinda pussout playoff poetry is that from the Big Men???? No wonder the Wiz lost the first two!!!! Luckily Etan Thomas read some of his poetry after game two, fired up the team and the Wiz came back to win 4 straight.
But Brendan, before Siegfried put on his pink panties and started writing poemtry, didn't you know he was called "Mad Jack" for his suicidal exploits against the German frontline? Perhaps you should bayonet that dirty Argentinean Andres Nocioni right in his Gooch the next time he's in the paint?
In fact if Wizards fall to below 5th spot they should take away Eddie Jordan's job and give it back to Wes Unseld, who never really had a fair shot at running this club. What can a man accomplish in 25 years other than continual mediocracy? NOTHING!! That's why Wes deserves 25 more. Wheel him out on a gurney and let him yell out, "Number two, Number two!" which isn't an offensive play but rather the load he dropped into the bedpan. PLAYERS WILL RESPOND!!!
Then get Larry Brown as Wes's assistant coach, and then you can have two old dudes on a siamese loveseat gurnery lying prone and screaming out random bodily functions and castrating insults to super-sensitive multimillionaires. Is that not a formual for success? This team will take all their cranky codger screams as a major snub and start playing at least .505 basketball. RACK ME!!!
Intern August Strindberg is known as a famous playwrite, but when not composing odes to "The Sweet Release" that comes from a cup of Hemlock tea, he's painting portraits of his houseboy, Tant. Strinberg's carrier pigeons recently brought us a painting of his direct from Sweden that expresses his suicidal dispair over the Wizards' late season collapse. Stringberg calls it "Still Life With Tant and the Ghosts of Whores Past."
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